The Death of Me
by DimiGex
Summary: Kakashi realizes that Sakura deserves better than him


**Warnings: **Adult words, angsty

**Author's Note: **heavily influenced by the song The Death of Me by Marianas Trench

* * *

"Are we ever going to talk about what this is?" Sakura asks. A part of Kakashi wants to pretend that he's asleep. It wouldn't be hard; the clock already reads past midnight. It's been a long day of meetings, reports, and whatever this is. But, Sakura deserves better than that.

Truth be told, Sakura deserves better in a lot of things, and Kakashi is surprised that it took her this long to realize that. He rolls onto his side, taking a moment to drink in the sight of her, bathed in moonlight with tangled sheets half sliding from her shoulders. She tips her head to the side and sighs. She knows him well enough to recognize what's coming.

"What do you want me to say," Kakashi questions, trying and failing to keep the frustration out of his voice. He and Sakura had tumbled into bed after too much alcohol almost a year ago. Then, a couple of months into their relationship, Kakashi noticed a change. He'd written it off when he should have run in the opposite direction.

Kakashi had lacked the strength to push Sakura away. It had been so long since he let anyone close, since he'd felt comfortable enough to lower his guard. He had known where this was going from the second night Sakura showed up at his door. If he'd had any sense, he would have turned her away then. But, he didn't, and now it's too late.

Sakura takes a deep breath, and Kakashi can see the hurt swimming in those impossibly green eyes. Her next words come out as a whisper. "I want you to say that I'm enough."

Daggers rip through Kakashi's heart. Sakura had come to him, fresh from her breakup with Sasuke once she'd realized what everyone else already knew. Their easy friendship had turned into flirting which lead to fucking. And, even Kakashi doesn't know how to describe what they are now. He wants this to be enough, but somehow, it never is. Sakura probably thinks it's because of their ages. He's never–

"I pulled your file," Sakura admits, breaking into Kakashi's thoughts. The steam goes out of him like he's been punched. "All of it, Anbu and earlier."

Kakashi can't think of anything to say, so he stays quiet. Sakura's gaze slides to the bedside table. A photo of Team Minato sits next to the one of Team Seven. He should have put it away years ago, but it feels like more of a betrayal than he can face. He'd already failed them so many times.

Sakura chuckles under her breath, a sound completely devoid of humor. "I love you," she says, as if it could be that simple. To her, it is. For Kakashi, it will never be.

A part of Kakashi loves Sakura. She is amazing in a way that he never thought he would find again: intelligent, strong, beautiful, and destined for things so much better than him. She deserves the type of love he could never give her, someone not haunted by the phantoms of their past.

"Did you love her?" Sakura's voice firms on the question, a testament to how much she's grown from the girl Kakashi first met. Young Sakura would have been a weeping mess of comparison by now. Adult Sakura looks at him with pity and a touch of anger. Kakashi deserves that.

"I do." The confession is enough to make Sakura's eyes squeeze shut. Kakashi could lie to her, he could say a million things, but what good would that do either of them? They've been speeding toward this train wreck for months. "You're better off without me, anyway."

Sakura's laugh sounds like razors. "Who said you could make those decisions for me?"

Someone has to, Kakashi thinks, but he can't bring himself to say it. He wants to wrap his arms around Sakura and pull her back against his chest, like that can chase away the shadow looming overhead. Except, it won't. It will only make matters worse. He aches to tell her that she's the closest he will ever be to falling in love again, that he's half in love with her already. But, that is all it will ever be.

Kakashi refuses to let Sakura settle for the half love of a broken man. "I don't love you."

Shock, hurt, and anger spiral through Sakura's eyes so quickly that Kakashi can't differentiate them. He's thankful for that small blessing, at least. "You don't mean that. You can't," she breathes.

"I care about you, but I'm not in love with you." Kakashi wishes that he could leave it there, but he knows Sakura too well. She's a fixer. If he sugar coats things now, she'll always believe that she can rescue him if she tries hard enough. There isn't enough of him left to save. "I never will be."

Sakura crumbles in way that Kakashi hasn't seen since Sasuke. He hates himself. If he could go back in time, he would stop her from leaning in for that first kiss. But he can't; he can only stop her from continuing to make the same mistake. The tears that had been threatening to fall finally slip from Sakura's eyes as she scrambles out of his bed.

Forcing his face into a mask of shinobi emotionless, Kakashi rolls onto his back and stares hard at the ceiling. It doesn't take Sakura long to gather her clothes and flee the apartment. Kakashi never moves, reminding himself that this is for the best. Once the door slams shut, he curls in on himself, heart shattering.


End file.
